Leaving

There was a time when, if anyone said “props to you for being a teacher,” I would fly into emotional turmoil.  I read this lovely comment yesterday:

Sorry to hear about your sentiments…I understand how frustrating it must be. I agree that teachers provide love, support encouragement, and understanding to students and that they should always be on their best foot; but it IS hard to give when the love tank is empty.
I would give you a hug if I could. Please know that some people may forget to acknowledge your efforts and the great things you’re doing but it doesn’t mean that they don’t know or see it. Just remember that the success of your students is also YOUR success and you will always be part of what and who they become. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. ☺ Not all people can do the job of a teacher. And teaching profession is one of the most noble jobs in the world! There would not even be doctors, lawyers ir engineers without teachers to teach them! 😉

I don’t think this wonderful fellow blogger understands that, for the meantime and possibly forever, I am no longer a teacher.

My heart just hurt writing that and my eyes are welling up.  But it is not like the reactions I used to have (even a few months ago) when people praised the job of teachers.  The GUILT I felt for leaving.  I’d be debilitated by the sudden on rush of depression.

I know I made the right decision.  Right now I am at home with my grandmother and I am taking care of her and me.  I couldn’t do both.

Once a day I think about how relieved I am.  How I am learning so much.  About my writing.  About the world I could barely let in before.  About self care mostly.

Once a day I find a way to “go back” in some part time way.  Teach summer school?  Just go an volunteer by directing an after school play?

When I fact, I haven’t even been in to visit.

I’d like to think that when things change I’ll go back.

When I am no longer care taking.

When policies change and more support is given to teachers.

I hate to say it, but maybe when I find a different school where I feel there is a possibility to achieve success.

But I don’t see that happening.  There is a big part of me that doesn’t want the crazy busy and no time for anything else in my life life back.  I’m taking things at a slower, saner, healthier pace these days.  Well, I’m trying to.  I’m recovering from deep anxiety and depression that I’m starting to believe was really wholly caused by my situation, school and difficulties surrounding care taking combined.  But mostly school, honestly.

I started this blog confidently set on writing about my surety of how I feel about leaving.

But yesterday I was about to have a sit down with my husband and talk to him about how we could make it work if I taught summer school.

Ugh.  Just ugh.  But the point being, I don’t fly of the handle and downward spiral about this any more.  I really am moving forward on a journey.  There are a lot of busted tires and many hairpin turns I can’t see beyond, and a long, long way to go.  But I’m moving!

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